Dad’s Notes from a Delivery Room

February 6, 2020 Peter Matthews 0 Comments dads' stories

Now, birth is undoubtedly a mama-baby show, they are the stars and all eyes are rightly on them throughout. However, Dads and delivery partners have a key supporting role, and there is lots you can do to help before, during and after labour. While I am in no way qualified to offer advice, I do have some observations based on my personal experience of my daughter’s entrance to this world in the Antenatal department of Wythenshawe Hospital.

My daughter, Saffy Anne Mitzi Matthews, was born on Thursday 9 May 2019 at 20:35, healthy and weighing a hearty 9lbs8. My wife’s labour, from the start of stage one to the end of stage three, lasted a total of 52 hours. Throughout that time we were receiving care in all 5 units of the Wythenshawe Hospital Antenatal department and the midwives were amazing…

So what are the best ways to support your partner through what’s likely to be the experience of a lifetime?

1.You gotta roll with it

Beth’s birthing plan went from strategy to wish list to toilet paper as fast as it took for our first midwife to examine her and tell us to get comfy. You can’t prepare for something that might happen in 5 minutes or 50 hours and, while in retrospect, our hospital bag (a twin pack of tissues, a bag of starmix and a change of knickers) was never going to cut it; accepting developments for what they were, rather than how you’d like them to be, staying flexible and getting used to saying “Well, I guess we’re doing [lunch/a sleep over/ a possible caesarean] now” – were more useful tools than anything we could have packed.

2. You gotta take your time

“Hurry up and wait” will become your mantra. Your baby might not be ready, but you will be in a constant state of alert. This will knacker you fast, so be sure to look after yourself. You’re no good to anyone if your legs go in the first round. Exercise and rest in equal amounts, drink lots of water, eat properly and bring a toothbrush or some gum to keep yourself minty fresh. I brewed up for the midwives to keep active and useful during our long wait.

3. Be a one-person support team

Make sure she’s refreshed, fed and keep those drugs on tap as pain and contractions might prevent her looking after herself. If things aren’t developing as planned, I found that a good birthing playlist was essential in keeping Beth positive and changing the dynamics of the room – classic pop for the high moments and relaxing music during her slumps. Remember, you are now doing the things your partner cannot do for herself, you should be acting as an extra limb – passing the drinks, scratching her nose or fending off calls from her mum.

4. She will never be comfortable

Moving her into a different position just makes her to be uncomfortable in a different way, running a bath only makes her uncomfortable and wet. You’ve rubbed her back until your hands became two tiny stumps and you’ve filled her with so much gas ‘n’ air you’re worried she will go up like the Hindenburg. But still she’s wailing like a walrus in heat. What to do? You must accept that she will always be uncomfortable and you can only help her manage this, not take it away. Squeeze her hand, mop her brow, give her constant attention and try not to let her constant howls do your head in.

5. You will never be comfortable

Maternity wards are not built with partners in mind. Expect to move around a lot as your partner requires the bed, chair and what little floor space you’ve been allocated as she tries to desperately stave off the labour cramps. Expect to be shouted at – your partner doesn’t mean it and, if you’re lucky, you’ll probably get an apology afterwards anyway.

6. Keep the folks updated

While you’re in the thick of things, it’s easy to forget that your family is still in the dark. As time goes on, their imaginations will get the better of them and pretty soon they will start fearing the worst. Be sure to give them quality regular updates, one per hour should do it. But be careful not to tell them anything that might worry them or lead to more questions – your time is too valuable to be spent responding to texts. If there is no concrete information to update them on, the old ‘delayed train’ approach – ‘we’re still waiting for information, but we will continue to update you as things develop’ – should go some way to keeping the family happy and off your back.

7. Take a photo, it will last longer

It may not feel appropriate to whip out the camera phone and snap away at your partner at her most vulnerable, and you should always be respectful to her and never get in between the midwives and their work. However, remember that you are experiencing a critical milestone in both your lives, one that will be transformative and alter your things forever.

You may regret not capturing it in some way. Even I, who snapped more photographs than David Bailey did in the entire 60’s, still feel that there are gaps that I wish I had recorded for posterity.

8. Trust the midwife

The modern birthing experience centres around agency and your midwife will do everything in their power to make your partner feel in control of their body and experience. You can decline any and all recommendations presented to you. However, I strongly advise that you do not do this. All help was offered for a reason and explained fully to us. We had four midwives in total, as shifts changed and our labour continued. Every one of them had something different to offer us, it was incredible to watch them work so hard and made a challenging time so much easier.

9. The big show

The midwives allow four hours for the last stage of labour before medical intervention. In that time there will be blood, there will be smells and there will be tears (which may be your own). The room will suddenly get very busy. Your will be understandably distracted and the midwives will be preoccupied at the business end – so if you fancy a quick puff on the gas and air to calm your nerves, now’s your chance.

Meeting your little one for the first time is indescribable. Meeting my daughter for the first time was a wave of joy, relief and a little fear. Saffy arrived safe, sound and with a perfect 10 on the Apgar scale – two eyes, ten toes, one nose. She was screaming and very hungry. She has stayed that way ever since.

10. You’re not done yet!

Beth needed two hours and three different midwives to stitch up her second-degree tear. It was now 11pm and we had not slept in two days. Beth was amazing; riding high on a wave of pride, achievement, hormones and hard drugs; I’m convinced she could have easily gone for two days more. I, however, felt like I’d gone five rounds with Floyd and could barely stand. They wheeled Beth up to the post-natal ward and it was time for me to leave. I don’t remember driving home, but the next thing I knew it was 7am, I was still dressed and it was time to head back to the hospital and start our first day as a family.