Childless Not by Choice: We can all Make a Difference for Future Generations
I longed to be a parent: I had chosen their names, knew the stories I wanted to read to them, the beaches with the best rock pools to explore, the family traditions I was excited to share and the treasures in my house they would inherit; but I was denied that dream.
I am childless not by choice, but I am not without children in my life. I am a proud aunt who recently received this beautiful message:
“You’ve always put happiness before everything not just for yourself but each and everyone you care about. Before money, cars, holidays etc you always put happiness first. The inspiration you have given me to live my life the way I want is uncontested!”
It is heart warming to know I have made a difference and I wondered if others in my childless community have felt the same. I decided to pose a question in a support group I admin called Childless Path to Acceptance.
Q: How have you played a part in the life of children you meet?
- “I have a daycare and care for children ages infant-five. I think (hope) that they learn about life things like sharing and friendship while in my care, even if they don’t remember me. Ages 3-5 is the first time they learn about making friends. I had a child ask me to a birthday party because he considered me a friend.”
- “As an aunty without children I have the time, energy, and patience to bring more fun and love into my niece and nephews lives. A walk turns into a dance singing “we are off to see the wizard” A drive takes a detour stopping at a ruined castle just to play hide and seek. A trip to the beach results in randomly jumping into the North Sea waves with them screaming with joy!”
- “I teach private music lessons, in peoples’ homes, to students aged 5 to adult. In many instances, I become a part of their family. I’m someone that my students can talk to about non-music issues. These students respect what I have to say and where my opinions and advice originate because I’m open and honest with them about my life. Their parents love that their children have a trusted adult that they can talk to who isn’t an official family member.”
- “I’ve enjoyed my role fundraising for our local youth shelter in the past, by organizing and hosting public Halloween parties. I’m on the organizing committee for a local annual music festival for music students of all ages. Overall, I try hard to live my life to its fullest, with massive amounts of love, vulnerability, and gratitude, which I hope the children I engage with might learn from.”
- “I am a child’s therapist and I volunteer at children’s park run. Most importantly for me I am an auntie, god mother, cousin and a positive female role model for the children in my family and my friend’s children.”
- “Being a childless step-parent has been the most amazing and most dramatic rollercoaster of my life. There has always been ups and downs with lots of trials and tribulations however when the Going Gets Tough and the children do not feel they are able to speak to their birth parents, they do come to me. I love being able to have that open conversation with them, sometimes about silly insignificant things but sometimes about the toughness of the world and mental health issues.”
- “My husband and I run an astronomy charity – UK Astronomy, inspiring children and their parents to look up and learn about the skies above. We may not be able to inspire our own child but we can inspire thousands of others.”
- “I am a speech-language pathologist working with young children. I love my job and kids adore me. Sometimes parents ask me to tell their kids things because if it comes from me they will comply more than if the parents tell their kids (eg: to eat their veggies). It’s my pleasure to help out and I tell the kid that at our next therapy session I will be checking their muscles to see if they ate their veggies or not.”
- “I was a Highland dance teacher for 20 years and I’ve kept in touch with many of my students from the past. Unlike school teachers who often only teach a student for a single year, long-term students of mine would come to my studio 1-3 times a week for several years. So I become a part of their lives growing up. Students have invited me to their high school graduations and their weddings. They keep in touch and I love that. Over those years I taught them a love for dance, I’ve taught them discipline and hard work. I’ve pushed them, challenged them, comforted them, and celebrated with them. I may not have children of my own, but I’ve had a role in their lives.”
- “I was a mental health advisor at a university and prior to that worked with disabled children and in drug and alcohol teams. “I really do think I made an impact on some children and young people’s lives: the child that wouldn’t open up to anyone but would to me, a non-verbal child who found his way of communicating with me, a little girl who would make her mum set an extra plate at the table at dinner time for imaginary me who came home after school to dinner and when a child only has a vocabulary of about 20 words and one is your name, you know you’re important to them.”
- “I literally received this lovely praise from an ex-student yesterday: Forever grateful! If ever I’m struggling with something even to this day, my mum will always ask, what would Liz do? I’d have never finished university without you!”
It’s a simple reminder that no matter the label of mum or non-mum, we can all make a difference for future generations. One group member summed it up perfectly with:
“As a child I remember several words of wisdom or kindness from a few adults including teachers, who I still to this day have no idea whether they were parents or not.”
