How can I Support the Kids through my Divorce?
Going through a divorce can be a challenge for all parties involved. However, a lot of the time it is the children who, despite being an innocent party in it all, get stuck in the middle.
When it comes to relationship and marital problems, it’s always key to consider the thoughts and emotions of any children involved.
If you and your partner have explored all the options within your marriage and have concluded that divorce is the best, or only, option, then it’s time to decide how to best manage this process in relation to the children.
Here at M&D, we collaborated with Stowe Family Law, Altrincham to come up with 11 great pieces of advice on how to support the kids during your divorce:
1. Consider the feelings of your children above your own – although you may also be going through a tough time, the confusion that a divorce can create for children can evoke lots of different, often unknown emotions.
2. Do all you can to maintain your children’s relationship with both parents – providing both parents want to maintain contact and it is safe to do so, doing all you can to keep relationships intact with both parents can offer some comfort to children in unfamiliar times. Despite fathers only making up 10% of sole care or single parent families, children who fare best after divorce are those who see their fathers most often; it usually reflects a relatively harmonious relationship between parents.
3. Be honest – trying to keep some level of stability through the process can help children adapt to the loss of a consistent family relationship. Being honest with children about the situation and involving those of an appropriate age in family discussions can help to create that stability.
4. Decide on the details – although being honest with children during a divorce can be beneficial, deciding upon the exact details that you share with them is important – they often don’t need to know any of the nitty gritty.
5. Try to shield children from overt conflict between parents – the nature of a divorce suggests that there is going to be some conflict between parties throughout the process. Doing all you can to shield children from this conflict will help to maintain positive relationships between parents and children.
6. Look at it from the children’s perspective – when going through a process such as divorce, it is often easy to get caught up looking at things from your own point of view. However, try to take a step back and consider how the children may be feeling throughout the process.
7. Allow the children to talk about the other party – it goes without saying that children will miss whichever parent is not present. To help them with this, allow them to talk about their Mum/Dad, without putting a negative spin on things.
8. Provide consistent reassurance – letting children know that it’s okay to be upset will reassure them about their own emotions.
9. Be understanding – when faced with ‘acting out’ and poor behaviour, provide love and comfort alongside discipline. Speak with children about why they feel the need to act this way – this can help them to understand their own actions.
10. Keep up usual and familiar relationships – try to maintain your children’s relationships with people such as grandparents, other close family and friends – this adds stability to their lives in a turbulent time.
11. Do not ask children to take sides – this can be one of the most detrimental things to happen during a divorce process. Please do not try to make children think negatively about the other party or take sides – this very rarely ends well for anybody involved.
Remember, divorce is tough for everybody involved, but can be even more emotional and confusing for children. While ensuring you get the best outcomes for yourself, consider how the divorce process and actions you take will impact on the younger people involved.
