Family Holidays Post-Separation
For parents who have just separated, taking your children on holiday without the other partner can be a daunting prospect; you will have to do everything yourself whilst also being aware of the other’s absence. You may have already had a partial experience of taking your children away and your other half joining you part-way through, but this will be different.
If you have young children you may find them asking if Mummy or Daddy is coming as well; the younger they are, the more reasons they will create to convince you that it is important you both go! You need to prepare and have explanations which make sense to your child as to why this new system will be a good experience. It can be difficult to know what to say without closing down the conversation – remember to stop when the child moves to a different subject, as this suggests they are satisfied or need time to process their thoughts.
Sometimes separating parents aren’t able to discuss how they are going to approach the new holiday pattern; if you are struggling to plan individual dates it is helpful to keep the focus on the children by remembering that they need time to relax and have ‘chill-out’ time between holidays.
When the children are away, they need to know they can contact the other parent and this is especially important for the younger ones. It can be a point of difficulty between the adults, but if planned, is less likely to be so and can help ease the fact that the other partner may also be missing the family. It is also helpful to both the child and other adult to arrange contact times in advance.
Often parents want to compensate for the disruption to their child’s life and holidays are a way of giving them something special. This happens a lot when parents separate, however ensure the “something special” is what you think they would like. Because children are still learning, they don’t necessarily see things like an adult, so what may be special to you (ie a holiday in which you feel the need to spend a lot of money), may be different to your child’s view; they might actually be happy with something more low key. If, for example, as a couple you had always promised them a trip to Disney Land, then after the split one parent takes them – what you may not realise is that in your child’s mind, they have always imagined it to be a trip for the whole family; they may worry about how you or your partner feels and so the once-in-a-lifetime trip then becomes a bittersweet experience.
The important thing is the quality of the time you spend with your children – whether you take them to New York or the nearest seaside, their memories will be of the interactions they had with you and of the simple things which made you both happy.
